gloomysunday
Lost Soul
Reality is beaded with little dreams...
Posts: 189
|
Post by gloomysunday on Jun 7, 2007 18:11:03 GMT
I thought I was over the depression and now I realize just how wrong I was. I think it's worse than ever now and it's really getting difficult to have a life beside thinking about how awful it is. It's just slipping away... I can't concentrate on school, I know I'm eating not nearly enough... I don't know how to cope with all the expectations people have in me (especially when it comes to school), because I'm basically sure that whatever happens, I will fail. I can't even manage to get the rest of my life in order, not even speaking of getting better at school and trying to be more organized etc. Not even mentioning that fact that these goddamn suicide thoughts have gotten pretty vivid... I just can't do this and some part of my mind seems to think this would be a good solution just to show them that this is getting too much for me. I just go to school in the morning, trying to survive it without crying and when I come home I basically can't concentrate on anything else then thinking about it...
|
|
|
Post by stratlady on Jun 7, 2007 20:20:44 GMT
Disclaimer: I reread myself, and I feel like I may sound a bit harsh. I don't mean to come across as harsh, I mean to come across more as passionated. lol So no harshness in there!!! Disclaimer2: Sorry if it's long. I don't mean to rent or anything. Disclamer3: Also, I am NOT trying to make you feel guilty about anything. I am just trying to get you to see things through another perspective. So, no need to feed guilty about things. (...)
So, I guess by now (if you've read all of this) you're wondering, what's my point, huh? Well, my point is that you'll get better. You will. Whether or not you can see it Alya, you will. Depression act as a filter, and it'll mess up your perception of your life, hence why you may not believe me now.
The question I have for you is this: How do you want to make it in the end? Do you want to spend years of your life surviving, until you can't take it anymore, or do you want to live life fully?
Because let me tell you, you may do nothing about it now and "survive", but it'll change you. It'll change who you are (and not necessary for the best). Not only that, but also you'll loose very precious years of your life to it. And believe me, I know what I am talking about.Because I've waited that long to help myself, to say that I needed help, I have more to deal with now and more to accept now then I would have, if I had gotten the help sooner.
So, I guess what I am saying to you is
a) step up for yourself. Help yourself, claim the help you need and don't wait til it come. Talk to your parents. I remember in the last post you made about this, you said you had a good relationship with them, and if it's still the case, that's good. Talk to them, tell them that you NEED help, that you WANT it. Don't let them trivialize how you feel because most likely, they may not even understand the gravity of how you feel. If you don't want to talk to your parents, talk to a school counselor. Get the help now, don't wait.
b) remember that death is just an escape. It's nothing more than that. And sure, it's easy (sort of. It's very dangerous to try to kill yourself and if you miss yourself, well, it can have really bad consequences.) And sure, for you it may seem like a good solution. But what about your sister? How do you think she'll deal with that? How do you think it'll affect her, to know that her big sister didn't want to live? And what about your parents you love you more than you think, and who sacrifice a lot of their life to raise you, don't you think that they deserve that you live and fight for yourself? Your death would affect them more than you can never imagine.
That's all I got to say for now. If you ever need to talk, you can e-mail me, my msn e-mail is in my profile. I'll gladdy listen to you to the best that I can, I promise. Also you got us here; aside for me, Robyn is always there to help.
I'll pray for you Alya. I know that you'll have the string to go through this, no matter how hard it is, and in the end, you'll make sense of it. Good luck hun. *hug* Edited a few things out because I can. I don't like the idea of my life being all over the net for too long.
|
|
Robynn
Admin
Friendly Neighborhood Admin
Posts: 2,381
|
Post by Robynn on Jun 8, 2007 1:13:25 GMT
I can put the rest of my life's story up here as well, but I won't, as it'll be a really long read. But, as Mary said, we've also been there, done that, and survived it. I had physical and psychogical abuse thrown on top of being the odd mad out (in my family and at school), and then sexual abuse when I started college.....it's sruvivable, if you have support and people to talk to. Remember...God does not give you more than you can handle, even though on some days it doesn't feel like that (yesterday was one of those days for me). You learn something from every experience, good and bad, but you remember the lessons learned from the bad a LOT easier than the good, and you WILL get through this if you lean on others to help you through it. That may be the lesson you need to learn right there...I know it was MY lesson. I can't do it alone, and neither can you. I'm getting better at asking for help when I need it, and praying for what I need, and being thankful for what I have, and it's worked until now (or I'd be homeless right now, no shit!). You can do this......
|
|
gloomysunday
Lost Soul
Reality is beaded with little dreams...
Posts: 189
|
Post by gloomysunday on Jun 8, 2007 9:21:09 GMT
Thanks for replying... it really helped me to make up my mind about some things. I wasn't at school today (test in history and there was no way I could concentrate on learning...) and finally managed to talk to my parents, so my mum and I went to see the doctor, because we don't really know anything about therapy/psychatrists/... in our region and since our doctor's brother is a neurologist/psychatrist for children we might even get an appointment before I turn 18 next summer . I'm really feeling well today... it all seems so much more positive when there's some hope you can look forward to... oh, and my mum decided I should do something in the summer holidays and so I'm going to England for 3 weeks .
|
|
Robynn
Admin
Friendly Neighborhood Admin
Posts: 2,381
|
Post by Robynn on Jun 8, 2007 19:45:25 GMT
just a little hope means a light at the end of the tunnel, and something to look forward to...which leads to more feelings of positivity. Keep it up!
|
|
|
Post by stratlady on Jun 9, 2007 14:05:31 GMT
I am happy that you talked to your mom Alya. It's not an easy step to do. and yet you did it. You should be proud of yourself.
And, this is great that you are getting helped and having some fun things to look foward too.
On a side note. I don't know how things work in Germany, but I can tell you that in Canada, people who are called "therapist" are not real psychologist or psychotherapist. Long story short, anybody can claim to be a therapist around here.
My rule of thumb would be to look at their diploma. Most like, they'd need to have some graduate study under their belt.
|
|
gloomysunday
Lost Soul
Reality is beaded with little dreams...
Posts: 189
|
Post by gloomysunday on Jun 9, 2007 18:21:28 GMT
On a side note. I don't know how things work in Germany, but I can tell you that in Canada, people who are called "therapist" are not real psychologist or psychotherapist. Long story short, anybody can claim to be a therapist around here.
I'm not sure how these things work around here (since it never concerned me before...), but given the difficulties to find someone who is allowed to work with children and is able to give you an appointment in the next 8 months, I guess it's a little different here... the German health care system is pretty complicated when it comes to who's allowed to do something...
|
|