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Post by stratlady on Jul 13, 2007 14:58:19 GMT
My gramma had an ACV (is that the name thing? ETA: stroke, I think that's the word)
Anyway. She's at the hospital now, with my dad. I"m freakin out, trying not to shake or cry. I just can't work anymore.
I'm just so scared because I don't wanna have to go through another fulneral. Seriously. I don't feel like I can.
Right now, my mom is in the next room, in the priest's office and I wish I wasn't here. I don't know where I wish I was, but not here, and not home.
The most sucky part is that although I can't here what my mom is talking about I can tell when she's crying...
I am so freakin out guys. I mean, for once that things were better, you know. No more stress.
I don't wanna go back home, and I don't wanna stay here either. And I don't wanna have to do another wake, and I don't wanna have to go through another fulneral. That's just stupid.
Thanks for reading. I so wish I had my earphone right now. At least I could listen to some music...loud guitars would help right now.
On a side note, the priest kept talking about flowers arrangement while my mom on the phone, waiting for him to come talk to her (before she came here). And I swear I litterally rolled my eyes at this. And he saw me. Made me feel bad, because I guess I should stay have professional... kinda hard when you are freaking out and that it's your mother waiting on the line...
ETA2: Oh I guess I might as well make official the fact that we are indeed heading toward another fulneral since gramma is in a coma. I guess my vacations are pretty much screwed. I also guess that my summmer is screwed. Unless a miracle. Which I don't expect because gramma should just be happy with grampa at some point. *sigh*
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Robynn
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Post by Robynn on Jul 13, 2007 17:56:11 GMT
So sorry, Mary....but like you said at then end...she'll be happier with Grampa. I know you don't feel like you can do another funeral/lose someone else you love, but you also know that God doesn't give us too much to handle. You've already thought this out in your head....your heart just has to catch up. I remember how hard it was when Gramm passed. You can make it through it though. I have faith in you.
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Post by unicorn07 on Jul 14, 2007 14:50:52 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear this Mary! I hope your grandma has a miracle and completely pulls threw this!!
My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Post by stratlady on Jul 14, 2007 18:22:17 GMT
Thanks for you kind words and thoughts guys. In terms of news, gramma is stable...I don't know if that's good or bad. The doctors can't even predict what will happen...
So that's about it for now.
@robyn: During lunch time yesturday, I stopped by the church. (Pretty easy to do considering that the church is down the hallway) and told God how I think this whole thing sucked and all. Long story short, I feel like I am at peace with it. My gramma misses her familly soooo much, that I rather have her up [happy] there then down here [depressed].
Sure I'll be sad, considering that one chapter of my life is closing and that I won't have any of my gramparent's unconditional love, but at least I know that they are happy.
*sigh* but I just wish I could fast foward things a bit.
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Robynn
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Post by Robynn on Jul 15, 2007 5:37:41 GMT
And who told you that you wouldn't still have their unconditional love? Don't you believe that they'll be with you every step of the way, right beside you, watching, and patting you on the back, or holding you up? Come on now. You know, even if she does leave this earth, she'll still be right there with you, as your grandfather still is with both of you. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there...right? Can't see God either...does that mean he's not there? Not to me...not to you. I'm glad you're at peace with it. It's a very hard thing to come to terms with. I was the first one in my family to, but I was also the one who spent the most time with Gramm and knew how miserable she was here, always waiting for Gramps to come home from work, or church. That's why she came to me the night she died and whispered in my ear that everything's ok now. She hadn't spoken to me like that in years and years.....so she was her old self again, from when I was young, and she was nice. That's when I really was all better.
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Post by jussie on Jul 15, 2007 11:47:46 GMT
Mary, I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma. The worst part of it is not knowing. Not knowing whether they will be okay or whether or not you will have to lose them.
Mary, You can deal with another funeral and another wake. Because I know you are strong and You can do it.You've supported me and Now it's my trun to support you. I wish i could fly to canada and be there with you. And give you a hug.
Good luck Mary, and I'm praying for your grandma and you and your family...
love ya Jus
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Post by stratlady on Jul 15, 2007 15:29:36 GMT
^^^^Thanks Jus, this means a lot to me. Prayers/thoughts are always welcomed.
My parents are all "are you coming to see your gramma? We don't wanna force you, it's your choice". So I am like "I'd rather not." But then before they leave they insist "are you sure you are not coming?".
And now I feel guilty for not going. The thing is, my gramma is on morphine, she can't see or she can't talk anymore. On top of that, she has not recognized me for years.
So, why would I wanna go see her? Don't get me wrong, I love my gramma, she was like my best-friend. I don't mean to bail on her. But if she has no idea who I am, and is sleeping, why would I need to go there?
I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that thursday night, my gramma looked at me and said that I hadn't buttoned my blouse correctly. And I though it was funny because she was right. And at that moment, I told myself that I should cherish that moment because it was so rare that my gramma would really ackowledge me for something else then "my feet are cold" and "where am I". Okay, so I have no idea what is my point. I guess I am just trying to convince myself not to feel guitly.
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Robynn
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Post by Robynn on Jul 15, 2007 18:06:12 GMT
Let me help with the guilt then....Your gramma left this earth years ago, when she started losing her memories of loved ones. Only a small part of her still resides in her shell (body), the rest of her is already gone. She had her moment of lucidity for you to remember her by, as Gramm did before she passed. It's very ok to not want to have to remember the woman who isn't really your grandmother. Remember her the way you want to remember her, and not the way you HAVE to... I don't think your parents were trying to guilt you into going, just making sure you don't regret not going and giving you one last chance to go.
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Post by jussie on Jul 16, 2007 14:29:01 GMT
Mary i agree with Robynn. I'd definatly think about going to see her one last time. Say your goodbyes,and You don't have to stay long or Touch her it's entirely your choice. We're here for you. *hugs*
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Post by stratlady on Jul 16, 2007 19:01:32 GMT
I dunno guys. I mean, maybe one of you can explain to me what this whole goodbye thing is about, because I don't get it. When my grampa died, I really felt like it was it when they closed the casket. I guess I don't understand how you can say goddbye to somebody who's not even gone...
*maybe* I'll go see my gramma, maybe not. I've got mixed feelings about this...like I feel guilty for not going, and then I am find with it...I'll see how I feel about this tonight, maybe I'll go. After all, if I were to go, I'd probably stop feeling bad about this.
I am just a bit apprehensive about how things will go...I mean, I don't wanna have to be get all touchy-feely. That will really make me feel uncomfortable...Plus she's not even dead yet, so it's not like I wanna mourn her now...
On another news, gramma's pretty stable. She still had morphine...Doctors keep on wanting to take the thing that hydrates her away (no idea what's the english name for that one), but everybody agrees that they will not do that. Period.
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Robynn
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Post by Robynn on Jul 17, 2007 7:04:37 GMT
It's an IV (introveinous line) that provides her with glucose water to keep her hydrated, and her blood fed with the sugar it needs to keep going. Why do the docs want to remove the IV? Wouldn't that be the same thing as killing her? That's the opposite of what doctors are supposed to be doing.
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Post by stratlady on Jul 17, 2007 13:16:53 GMT
^^Oh so IV is the term. See, you'd talk to me about an IV, I know what you are talking about. But when I come to use the term myself, I can't remember it.
Well, you know, most likely the doctor thought that she would die friday night or so. And now, they feel like she's going to die anyway, so why not. In fact, they haven't treated her AT ALL. All she has is that IV and the morphine. She gets none of the pills she had before (some very important for her heart) and got nothing to help her with her stroke. (and they could have given her something in the first few hours). That makes me so mad. It's really not the doctor's call to decide about my gramma's life.
On another news, I went to see gramma yesturday. She was better looking then I though and I kissed her, told her I had come to visit, and when I left, I kissed her and told her that I was going to pray for her. That was a big step for me. I seriously hate hospitals. I cluch my purse almost all the entire time I was there...I did had a freaking good laught though, my aunt and my mom kept talking about their past jobs as teenagers and how they'd deal with them.
So yeah, long story short not as bad as I though it was. And I really wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for you guys by the way. You made me think about going in another frame of mind.
LASTLY. Mom told me this morning that my gramma now had to wear the oxygen mask, because she had low oxygene levels. Plus she's having a fever. That's funny how I keep going on to be at night thinking that the joke needs to be over now and that gramma can come back home like before. You know, I don't care if she doesn't recognize me, at least, she is there.
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Robynn
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Post by Robynn on Jul 17, 2007 17:41:54 GMT
low oxygen levels can cause a fever. I found that out after my breast reduction/reconstruction surgery. the morphine can cause you to be too relaxed when you sleep, and not take deep enough breaths, which in turn will cause lower O2 levels, and a slight fever. As for the meds, they're probably giving those via the IV also. If she's unconscious, or mostly unconscious, then pills will choke her, so they just shoot them into the IV. That's probably why she's not died yet. As for the stroke drugs, there's a time limit in which you can give that. If the stroke happened too long ago, then it's too late, and it'll do more harm than good. Found THAT out with my grandfather. His first wife waited too long (on purpose) so he couldn't have it either. She was hoping to get his money after he died. She ended up dying before he did, and he re-married. Her kids didn't even go to her funeral. How sad is that?
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Post by jussie on Jul 18, 2007 13:52:19 GMT
Mary I am so glad you went to see her. I'm proud of you.
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Post by stratlady on Jul 19, 2007 14:54:49 GMT
^^^And I am proud of me too. ;D
I wanted to go back yesturday, but thing didn't go out as planned, considering that my aunt only ended up leaving her house at 10PM (if not later) to go there. By that time, I was so tired I figure I couldn't go there and stay there another 2 hours.
Anyhow. I'll try figure out if I can go again...kinda hard considering that I can easier go early morning (8h30AM) or late at night (8h30PM or later)
And gramma news: I don't know if she still has fever, although I guess that if she has been on oxygene it should has gone down by now. She had morphene yesturday night because she was too conscious; holding on to my dad's hand, opening her eyes and trying to talk... If at least she could still talk...
^^I don't know why, I had missed that post of yours before... Now that you mention it, it's soooo true. Wonder how I hadn't think about it this way before... ;D
Also, Robyn, I am positive they haven't given anything to my gramma aside from this IV to keep her rehydrated...I am telling you. My gramma is made way way way stronger than she though she was. Although, I don't know if that is still good news...but hopefully, God knows what he's doing.
And seriously, your Grampa's wife was just mean.
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