trusting people

[Corina]

OK, I've had this for a long time, since I can remember to be exactly, but since about 3 weeks it's been keeping me thinking a lot.
In elementary school I had a few "friends", but we weren't really close, and after elementary school we lost contact.
In middle school I also was an outcast. They bullied me or just ignored me. When I needed them no-one was there, but when they needed me, I had to help them as soon as I could. I did help them the best I could, just to get a social life, but still it wasn't enough for them, and I didn't see they were just using me and never wanted to be friends or anything.
High school, ah well, most of you know how that went, I finally got internet so I started FoIing and stuff. I thought that I had made a real friendship for the first time in my life, but a few months later i discovered that I had a crush on her and when I told her that she totally flipped out. She didn't want anymore contact. Also my school results weren't what they had to be so I moved to another school, lower level, and guess what, she moved there too. We weren't placed in the same class but sometimes I saw her. It's my second year at that school now, and some strange things are happening.
In the first few months no-one really liked me, and not only because Vivianne was spreading the word what I did to her and stuff, also because they just didn't like me. After a few months, some boy and girl (a couple who doesn't really have contact with the other people in class because they like to be private) came up to me like: hey wanna be friends...so I gave it a try, but I notice that it's not the way friendship works. In march last year 2 people from a lower class came walking in our class to ask our teacher stuff because they said their teacher didn't know. My first opinion of the girl (Sandra) was: wooow shes SO HOT! So slowly on I tried to have contact with her and now she's my best friend. The boy (Bas) didn't interest me at all, but things change...
Last summer I got closer with Sandra and met her in the holidays and stuff. At school we got placed in new classes (study specification, she's in another class than me). My year and the lower year are mixed (I was in a half year, I had mixed classes with the upper year before). Now what is actually in the half year classes, they don't like me, they all start to hate me by now. The 'new' people, ah well, like every break I can I will try to meet Sandra and so does she, we get along so well. But the other people are being nice to me too. Sandra said that the people who are being nice to me are bitches and only want to use me. She knows I have a hard time deciding why people are nice to me and who I can trust, so she warns me. Still the people are being nice to me, but when they realize that Sandra is my best friend, they start holding back on being nice. Bas is the only one who's still being really nice, but he's always acting nice to anyone, and since I have a secret crush on him now I don't know if he's acting nice because of me or because of the fact that he's nice to everybody...
I also get along a bit with 2 other outcasts of the year, Suzanne and Hanneke. Hanneke is just weird, and because Suzanne is her best friend people don't like Suzanne neither... And now I'm afraid that when they discover I can get along with all the 'freaks' (Sandra, Suzanne and Hanneke) they will hate me too
What do I need to do, I can't see if I can trust them or not and I don't know why they like me or what they want from me. It's been haunting my mind for weeks now

[jussie]

First of all Friends are they only thing in your life you can choose Very much unlike all of your Family. The Thing about friends is that they usually like you for who you are and don't want to change you. Those People who are all of a sudden nice to you, They Probably don't care, The people that do are probably those outcasts, That you are so afraid to be connected with.
It Doesn't Matter at all Corina. If those poeple don't talk to you or Like you because you talk to someone The Outcasts!. I Mean It thier loss you know. They are the ones who miss out on seeing how absolutly Awesome you are. And I'm not just saying that because I am your friend. But Remember way back when I first joined the Board's I was a drunken, Messed up Girl. I took personal offence at something you guys had said about ToB on evboard ( a personal friend of mine) and we ended up having a massive fight. But You took the time to get to know me. You know only really awesome people would have done that. I guess what i am saying is Don't worry about other people and Treasure what you have.

Forget about everyone else. Be who you want to be and If They dont like you it's thier problem..

[stratlady]

^^^Totally agree with what you said Jus.

Also, I for one believe that I don't have to trust other people, unless they give me a reason to. I am not saying that I expect other pple to backstab be or anything, but gaining trust is like building a relationship, it takes time.

In the mean time, how do you know if you can trust someone? Ask yourself if you like how they treat you. If they treat you in a way that you don't like (i.e you wouldn't treat other pple the way they are treating you) I'd say be careful.

Another thing that may help you figure out who to get close to is knowing what you are looking for in a relationships. Know your values, know what are you expectations for a relationship. I think in the end, it all comes down to values, and if 2 pple don't have the same values, it may be hard for them to form a friendship.

And yeah, it sounds cheesy to say "be yourself", but that's the truth. From your post, I can tell that you are a caring and sensible person Corina. And honestly, if other pple don't see that when they talk to you, then screw them. Really. It's their loss if they don't want to take the time to know you.

[Corina]

thanks jussie and mary, you cheered me up
but the people who I need to screw according to you, are the people I need to survive classes with, and these include a lot of cooperation, so thats ahrd if they don't like you or just want to use you

[stratlady]

^^^"screw them" may not be the right expression to explain what I meant.

What I meant to say is that you don't need to get into a deep relationship with the pple who don't like you. Be nice to them (like you would with anybody else), be friendly, but don't go around wanting a deep relationship with them. Especially, if you are unsure of their true motives. As I said before, trust takes time to develop. And if these pple want to know you (like you want to know them), they will also put the extra effort in this relationship.

I guess what I meant to say is "screw them but with maturity". (if that makes any sense lol)

ETA: and if you feel I am being unclear again, tell me what's confusing and I'll try make it clearer.

[Corina]

yeah it makes sense, thanks