My Life is a Shambles

[jussie]

Okay i'm sorry In advance for the ramblings. I Just need to vent, It's Eating me up, and i am becoming grumpy and snarking towards Simon and Emma.

So the Last year and a bit for me has been hell. I try and stay upbeat, and try not to let it get me down. First The Drinking, I Battle Alcoholism, I haven't had so much as a sip for at least 3 months. I can't say I've been Entirely Sober Since my Rehab stint Coz I have a few times Gotten Completly Wasted, Felt awful,about it in the morning. and Vowed never to drink again.

Then there's Losing all 3 Babies I know i shouldn't have fallen Pregnant so quickly after losing one. But i fall pregnant easy and I'm married, So Birth Control seems pointless, I mean I've found the man i wanna be with forever, So you know. Thing is I don't Stay Pregnant. I'm unable to sustain a pregnancy for more then 27 weeks. Emma is My Miracle, She went to 32 weeks and was only two months early..

Then There My Epilepsy, Which has been really bad lately. Emma has seen Every Seizure I've ever Had, I put her down, and that's all i get time to do... I try and run to the other room.. She see me at my worst and I feel so bad for having to subject a two year old ( or Nearly) too see those. Sometimes I'm aware of what happens around me, And i hear her screams. She Gets so frightened, and i can't do a damn thing about it. So When I Agreed to have Surgery, I made a Decision. I'm Sending Emma Back to Australia, With My Mother. She doesn't have to continue to see me, Like this and Then recovery, I'll have some hair shaved and stitchesand probably look hideous and At Two She shouldn't have to be sujected to it. this way Simon can still work, that is after all what we came here for. For Him to work in a US Law Firm. This Was by far the hardest decision of my life but i feel it's for the best I'll miss her so much!! and she'll Do so much growing by the time i see her again. But i still feel i'm doing the right thing. At Home she will have two other little kids to play with, and Here she has no one. I trust my mum so i know she'll be okay. It's not like I'll never see her again.

I'm so Confused and Craving a Cigarette or a Vodka. I won;t go there i'm been much heathier without them, I Know. Well Thanks if you got through this post you deserve a medal. I don't expect Sympathy or anything from You guys. Just knowing that i can share here is enough.

[Robynn]

It's a rough time. And I'm sorry for that. Battle the addiction...as it'll get worse for that. You'll be ok. You're a better mum now that you're not drinking.
As for Emma seeing your seizures, don't worry about that. How much can YOU remember when you were 2? She won't remember any of it, and she loves you. I still think it's a good decision to send her back to your mom's when you have the surgery. You won't be able to care for her, and Simon will be caring for you, so it'll be better. But you'll see her soon enough. As soon as you can, you'll go get her, so no worries there either.
Good luck with the surgery! Do you know when it'll be?

[jussie]

May 15th

[stratlady]

Awwww. Jus I am so sorry to hear that you are still going through a rough time.
And I think that considering everything, you are doing good. It's not easy to battle addictions all the while going though stressful situations like miscarriages, and epilepsy. But you still manage it, so you've got all my admiration, trust me.

And as hard as it will be not to have Emma around with you, I think that this will be a good opportunity for you to get better. Not just for your recovery, but also to battle your addiction. Take these months for yourself. Now of course you will be sad not to have your child with you, I am ready to bet that it is totally normal.

But instead of letting this get you down, I’d say that you should try putting a positive spin on it (not saying it is easy though; that must be freaking hard, if you ask me). Take this time away from your daughter to focus on you, and get better. Do it for Emma, do it for you. Because I am ready to bet that in the end, you’ll be an even better and caring mother than you already are now. Plus, you never know. Maybe once you get rid of all this stress caused by your constant battle with your addiction and epilepsy, you’ll be able to carry to term another baby.


And in the mean time, when Emma is gone, maybe you could do lil' things like write her letters, e-mails, drawings... that your mom could give to her from you. And then, Emma could send you lil' drawing too. You know, with technology these days, you can do lots of fun stuff like that.

Talking about technology, I don't know if you know that software, "Skype". It's a software that let you call (using your computer) anybody. And if your mom as it on her computer (assuming she has one) than you guys can call each other for, or at least cheap. Here is the address: www.skype.com

Lastly, no matter how hard it is now Jus, just hang in there and don't give up. It'll get better. Oh and you'll have a special place in my prayers Jus. I am sure this will help.

Take Care.

[Robynn]

jussie said:

May 15th

What Mary said...and our prayers are with you, my dear.

[snowwhite]

well all i was going to say, Robynns already said.
But things will sort themselves out, you are making the right decision.
Wish you all the luck, with the surgery and everything else!

[jussie]

I don't really cope as much as i hide it..
We Had a Blow up yesterday. A really huge one....

Simon got home and i was sitting on the kitchen floor staring at a half empty Bottle of Vodka. I Didn't drink it, I just looked at it, Deciding whether or not i was going to drink it, I decided against it, and was about to get up and tip it down the sink. He walked in and got very angry, he was yelling at me and threw the bottle, NOT AT ME, Just in anger at the wall, I Told him i didn't drink it, He didn't believe me and then he told me i had to tip all the alcohol we had in the house down the sink, So I Did. Then he took me for a drive, He told me in in not so kind words, He couldn't Handle if i started to drink again, and if i did he'd take Emma and leave, We had a long talk, I told him i didn't drink it, He said he knew i didn't and he was sorry for getting angry, We talked about everything the misscarriages, The move and The operation, What would happen if the Op didn't work or I Didn't make it, all that kinda stuff, we hadn't really ever discussed these things so this talk was a long time coming. We're gonna go to Therapy, Both of us, i guess i hadn't really thought about the toll all of this was taking on him.

I've been afraid for my mother to take Emma away. Coz i figured i'd have no reason to do anything, I get up for her, She's the only reason i get out of bed at the moment. Emma leaves with my mother 2 days after her 2nd birthday, So we're gonna make it Special. Today I'm feeling Really good. Relieved and like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I Know i've made the right Decision to Send Emma Back to Australia. It's really for the Best. I wish it'd hadn't have gotten as far as it did. But I think it was something that needed to happen.

[Robynn]

He got scared when he saw you with that bottle, knowing it was the worse thing you could do. To be honest though, having any booze in the house with a recovering alcoholic is suicide for that person. You shouldn't have any booze anywhere near you for the time being, nor cigarettes. With all the stress you're under, it's too easy to go back to drinking and smoking, and it be understandable. But it's still the worst thing you can do. Recovery rates after surgery, for people who smoke, are a LOT lower than non-smokers. My mom had to stop smoking before she could have a spinal fusion because of that. Her doctor wouldn't touch her until she was a non-smoker.
Good that you guys got it all out. He's scared to death that he may lose you with the surgery, but then scared that if you don't go through with it, he'll lose you to epilepsy. He's between a rock and hard place when it comes to you, and has zero control over any of the situation, and I'm sure it's all but killing him. He just has to wait to see if the woman he loves is still around after the surgery, and pray for the best. We all know it's harder on you, as you're the one having the surgery, but Simon, and the rest of your family, kinda get forgotten. Our prayers are with all of you. I'd give you a hug, but since you're 3000 miles away, a virtual hug will have to do for now.

[jussie]

Okay i should explain, we Don't keep alcohol in the house as a rule. But Simon has been getting reaquainted with a few old school mates, and Brought Alcohol to take with him, He left it at home. I was having a Very bad day, I'd been sick and Saw the Alcohol and was tempted. It was my fault...

Simon of Course blames himself, I told him, he had no intention of me ever finding that alcohol, and my addiction is not his fault.

I've been selfish. I never ever thought about how he was feeling, or how he was coping. It was always about me, How i Was doing. He has been my tower of strength, And Never asked for anything in return.. Not even a Hug.. We hadn't even been sleeping in The same bed together since my last misscarriage, and he never once asked about it he simply understood it as something that I had to do. I Just want Our marriage Back, I want this all to be over, I wish i'd never started drinking, I wish this Operation was over, I wish for so much... it feels i am no where near close to being Better and don't even feel on the path to being OKAY!! I feel so weak and such a burden to everyone. It's killing me bit by bit inside.. I Love Simon and Emma So So Much. And yet agian I am making it all about me...

I'm sorry I'm having a Down Day

[stratlady]

You know Jus, I am not an expert at this, but it seems to me like you blame yourself a lot. And really, I doubt it help you, doesn't it?

See, I don't think that you can give what you don't have, and right now, you can't give Simon all the attention he needs. And Simon seems (from your description at least) to understand that. Now, I am not saying that he likes it, but still, he seems to acknowledge that you need time. And quite frankly I think that you do.

You need time to get your life back in order, you need time to get back on your feet. Personally, I think that the best way to do that would be with therapy. Because it's not true that time heals. Time will only heal you if you know how to deal with your pain, and right now, you seem so much into it, that (from my point of view at least) it feels like you can't see through it.

And if you tell me that you are not really keen about doing therapy, I'll understand it Jus. But remember that the sooner the better. Don't wait until the shit really hit the fan to get help in fixing all this, because well, it'll be a lot harder.

Same goes on for your rela with Simon. If you guys feel like you need help, go get it now before your relationship really deteriorates to a point where you both feel like therapy is your last chance before divorce.

Good luck Hun. I hope things will get better for you soon! *hug*

[Robynn]

and you don't want to do counseling...shooot. that'd be a waste of talent right there....

Mary's right. Everyone has a bad day, and you've had everyone esle's share of late. You'll be on the road the recovery soon. The surgery is soon. Don't let depression swallow you whole. We're still praying for you!

[simon]

We are going to see the hospital therapist. But Jussie isn't sure she wants a third party to come in. Given the state our marriage has been in. I explained to her that the counsilloer is not there to judge u, But help us through this time. I think there are alot of issues we need to work through. I have Guilt Issues and so does she. There's so much that she has to work through alot of which i knew nothing about till two days ago..

[Robynn]

I'm glad you put the 'we' in there. Jussie and I had a talk last night (this morning really) and I tried to put her at ease with talking to someone. I think you guys will be ok, and the guilt issues DO need to be resolved, as well as some of the other ones (anxiety on the outcome and all that). This is a HUGE thing, but it's not so huge that you can't get through it. Good luck with it.
Why not make her a bubble bath, like you did that one night, a while ago as an "I'm sorry"...only this time, it'll just be "I love you?" ;D

[simon]

She told me about the talk she had with you. when i got home she was still up. I am not going out with the boys for a few weeks she's gonna need me at home. Emma leaves tomorrow

[Robynn]

It's gonna be rough for both of you without Emma. But keep your chins up. You're still doing everything you are doing for her, she' just not right there with you for right now. Doesn't mean there's no reason to get out of bed in the morning (Jussie).....keep the schedule you've had, but get plenty of rest...go out and have fun at the park or whatever, and just keep busy. Don't sit and wallow. Remember, I've had my kids gone for the entire summer, and it was HARD, so I know. Phone calls were few and far between because of the bill it would have caused....but you can do it. You always have us.